Original artwork © Les Toil

I need to just make some webpage graphics and save them. Because every time I am in the mood to write a webpage I think "Oh, I'll make some graphics for it." but I don't want to do anything complicated because that would take too long and make me forget what I wanted to write about.

But by the time I've finished making even these crappy graphics I don't feel like writing what I was going to write IF I remember what I wanted to write about.

*Sigh*

So...there's this guy I have a virtual crush on. I say virtual because I only know him from online. He lives in another state. Too far for a bootie call, so we've never met. But I have read his website and find him highly amusing not to mention intelligent. (That's so refreshing! You probably have an idea of how many stupid people are online, but I feel like I meet most of them, LMAO.)

Anyway, I like him.

I really wonder if I like him BECAUSE he's so far away. :-)

See, the last few years IRL I only "date" losers because I know I won't fall in love with them.

The last decent guy I knew was a truck driver so I rarely saw him. He didn't even live here. We met online. We were friends for a couple of years. Then one day I think I asked him why he'd never made a pass at me and he said he didn't think he was my type.

But once we started seeing each other on those rare occasions, I liked him more. And I didn't WANT him to leave. Plus he told me his plan was to continue driving the truck for I don't know how many more years so I thought "Even if I do re-locate, I'll still never see him."

So...I stopped answering the phone when he called. (Yes, I'm a coward, I know.) But what is the point of admitting that I want him if it isn't going to change anything?

This has nothing to do with DUDE that I like now.

I occasionally "flirt" with him. I'm not good at flirting. I prefer the more direct "Come over to my house at 8:45 pm. My son will be in bed by then and we can fuck" approach, but as I said, DUDE is elsewhere.

I think he flirts with me sometimes too. I can never tell. I need the more direct "Ok, do you want me to bring ribbed or regular condoms" to really understand if a man is flirting with me.

I really have no social skills. It's amazing that I've ever had a bf...

So anyway.

If I really like someone I never know what to do. IRL I can't be myself. I get tongue tied and stupid. (Which is another reason I sleep with losers. They're just so happy to be with me I don't really have to say anything. Sounds conceited, but it's true. LMAO!)

If I were to date a man that is my intellectual equal, attempt to date I should say, he would think I was a fucking idiot. You really have no idea.

People online have one opinion of me. They seem to think I am outspoken, optimistic, cheerful, "perky" *gag*, funny and extroverted. I am not.

IRL people who know me a little bit think I am intelligent, outspoken, 'crazy' (good crazy, not mental crazy), fearless and sometimes funny. I AM smart. I AM crazy (mental crazy, not good crazy) and accidentally funny.

I am NOT fearless or outspoken, IMO. I say about 10% of what's on my mind.

I do things because if I don't, they won't get done. Or because I don't like my current situation so I do something to change it. That is different from being brave or fearless.

Ok, people think of me as the chick in that pic up there. This is who I feel I am:

Original Artwork © Ayumi K.
See? She's not all OUT THERE. She looks kind of frail, actually. You'd expect her to be a librarian or something. A wall flower.

*Sigh*

This is not to say that I don't think I'm great. Obviously I do. I believe I've told you that I AM the MOTHERFUCKING SHIT. :-)

But I have a problem letting people get to know me IRL. It's my issue, really.

I am pessimistic enough to believe that any "relationship" I begin will not last. Not just romantic ones either, friendships too. I know people for a while. Then I move on.

It could be from the way I grew up. I was a military brat so we moved every 3 years. I made friends and then moved to the next place. Sunshine is the only friend I've had for more than a few years. I think I've known her 12 years. And even she and I don't speak all that much anymore. Not that we wouldn't, but she's going to school and working so when she has spare time I think she sleeps, LOL.

What am I saying? I have no effing idea.

I tried to save the page and the browser is just "loading"...so I got distracted and I can't remember what I was trying to say looking at the page like this, trying to see past all the html.

$#&($#

POOH!

Ok, 30 FRIGGING MINUTES LATER it's working again.

Let me start all over.

HA!

I like this guy. He lives far a way. What is the point?

It's frustrating.

Why can't I meet someone like that who lives within 100 miles???

Or next door.

If I did, would I know what to do?

Would I allow myself to get to know him, would I allow him to get to know me?

I don't think I would.

Because I am a chicken.

That is all.

I have a headache now.